A big part of adapting for me is admitting the mistakes I have made.  

I wrote the following some time ago so Nikki could share the confession of shame and guilt that I offered to her with her family and anyone else that she wished.  It was my hope that anyone that knew us would understand that I was the cause of our breakup and eventual divorce.  I  have left the document intact but the dates will be wrong because it is now over 21 years since the accident that changed everything.

It seems that Blogger is another good tool to get information out to the masses, so I encourage you to share this with anyone you know that also knows Nikki or my boys.

"I owe you an apology and an explanation.
I want to apologize for all the pain I have caused and will undoubtedly cause by exposing and telling the truth about the last 18 years.
I have hit rock bottom. My plans have failed and now that I am facing the possible breakup of our family I want to change.  I see and feel Nikki’s, Mason’s and Asa’s pain, hurt, sadness and anger every day as of late.  There seems no end to their suffering.  I know that I must answer everything they have asked truthfully and completely if we have any chance to continue as a family.
My selfish intent has been to minimize my pain and embarrassment by avoiding contact with you and everyone else from my past.   I have acted to make myself feel better, to look good in other peoples eyes and to try and make my life go smoothly without having much thought for anyone but myself.  Until recently I have been unwilling to change.  Nikki has challenged and questioned my actions and intentions for years.  She intuitively knew that I was lying but she ignored her feelings because of her love and because she trusted me when I told her she was wrong.  I have lied to her and deceived her for that whole time period and I never intended to reveal the truth.  My selfishness has jeopardized relationships for Nikki and the boys and even worse between Nikki and the boys because I allowed everyone to think that all our problems were due to Nikki’s drinking.  I have caused Nikki’s health both physical and mental to deteriorate and I am truly sorry.
I am receiving psychiatric care and have finally returned to psychotherapy after refusing treatment for over 15 years.  My doctors are using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) a unique empirically based psychological intervention that uses acceptance and mindfulness strategies, together with commitment and behavior change strategies to develop specific behaviors in the service of a my chosen values.  The therapy has had an immediate and profound impact on me and is helping me to overcome my selfish desire to continue living the fake life that I have presented to everyone and come clean with an explanation.
The Stephan Kuhn that you and others knew was significantly altered by an accident at work on December 7th 1992. The accident resulted in a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and caused a subdural hematoma (ruptured blood vessels) in my right temporal lobe. I have lied to Nikki about my actions, intents, plans, emotions, health and lost memories when it has been convenient for me, using my injury as an excuse for this and other behaviors.  My injury amplified the worst behaviors and personality traits that I had before.  I nurtured and used my bad behaviors for my own gain and to manipulate and deceive you and others.
 I am totally and permanently disabled from the TBI due to the following disabilities: problems with cognition (thinking, memory, and reasoning), sensory processing (sight, hearing, taste, and smell), communication (expression and understanding), and behavior or mental health (depression, anxiety, personality changes, aggression, acting out, and social inappropriateness).  Common effects of brain injuries that I experience include a continuous headache, dizziness, attention/concentration and memory deficits, sensitivity to light and sound, emotional changes, executive dysfunction and personality change. I take medications to control seizures, ulcerative colitis, apnea, anger, anxiety and depression.
I need to share something with you that I have hidden for many years.  Since the TBI I have planned to end my life.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about suicide.  I am still here because Nikki loved me wanted me here.  She has done everything she could to make it easy for me and help me.  I am grateful now but I was angry and vengeful for over 18 years.  I wrongfully believed that Nikki was selfish and was making me stay by telling me I could not leave my sons without a father.  I planned to commit suicide by making my death seem like an accident.  I have shared the details of what Nikki calls my “brilliant plan” with her, the boys and my doctors.  My plan required that the family be secure financially but had no provision for their wellness.  I sabotaged the brilliant plan by making Nikki less confident, less comfortable less independent and secure.  I pushed her to a point where she believed she was “stupid” and could not “get out of her own way”.  Through my actions I caused her to leave several jobs assuring that she could not even be financially secure as I had planned.
 I have not been right since the accident that day.  I no longer existed as I once was, I knew that I had changed and certainly not for the better.  The bad things like ego, anger, jealousy, greed and selfishness were all amplified while the good things either diminished or disappeared altogether.  My memories of the past are scattered and frequently inaccurate.  I make things up and lie about things easily without even thinking.  Light and sound are painful and increase the intensity of the headache that is always present.  I am acutely aware of these things and try to hide them from everyone except Nikki in an effort to boost my own ego.
This brings me to the heart of this confession.  I have hurt Nikki and my boys beyond any recovery.  I have allowed everyone to think that problems with our family were caused by Nikki.  I have been critical, ungrateful, unsupportive and downright mean to Nikki and the boys for over 18 years in an effort to make them want me to be gone.  I did not want them to miss me when I did take my own life.  I realize now how wrong this thinking was, but I justified it by believing Nikki was selfish for asking me to stay, and being angry enough to hurt the very ones I love the most and should have been the very best to.  I have shared all of this information and much more with Nikki and the boys.  They are justifiably angry and hurt but still love me and they say that they want me to live.  This is a testament to how wonderfully caring, loving and giving these 3 people are and I love them deeply for it and everything they do. I am hoping that by sharing this, you and others will have a better understanding of how wonderful Nikki, Mason and Asa are, and that you might understand the challenges they have faced, the hurt they have endured and the anger they express.  I am hoping that you will reflect on the past and when you think of times that you thought poorly of them you might have a new compassion and understanding for them.
This next statement is very difficult to describe and probably even harder to understand. During the last 18 years I didn’t love Nikki enough or care enough about her to correct my behaviors.  I have been addicted to pornography, using it as a drug to avoid feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, low self esteem, guilt and shame.  I used pornography to avoid the pressures of life and relationships often spending hours alone and away from the people I love.  I hid my addiction and lied to Nikki when she asked me about it.  Nikki knew in her heart that I was lying but I kept telling her that she was imagining things.  My lies have made Nikki feel as she says “wacked out”.  Who wouldn’t feel this way if their spouse and best friend lied and betrayed them?  I didn’t realize or care about the impact of my addiction on Nikki.  It is only recently that I have listened to Nikki and felt the enormous impact this has had on her feelings.  I have researched the effects of pornography on relationships and am truly ashamed that I have caused her so much pain.   Unlike most women, men typically view pornography as innocent and will believe that its viewing has little negative effect on relationships. My addiction to pornography has had many negative consequences on our family.  Nikki has shared the following with me:  She believed she was no longer sexually attractive to me.  She believed she was viewed more as a sexual object than a real person in our relationship.  For me the damaging effects of pornography have been addiction, isolation, increased aggression, distorted beliefs and perceptions about our relationship and sexuality, negative feelings about myself, and neglecting other areas of my life including my children.  I have learned that within our intimate relationship, pornography has had negative impacts in the following ways:  I lost interest and engaged in fewer sexual experiences with Nikki.  Nikki viewed pornography use as infidelity and a betrayal to our relationship.  It was as if I had an 18 year secret affair.  Nikki feels sexually inadequate and threatened by my pornography use.  Both of us experienced a decrease in emotional closeness.  Nikki does not trust or believe me due to my dishonesty and deception about pornography use. I am working hard to stop this addiction and hope that time and commitment may heal Nikki’s wounds.
 I do not have accurate or complete feelings regarding anyone I knew or anything I experienced before my injury sadly this includes Nikki and Mason.  It’s as if I only got the ability to know my feelings and emotions after the accident and the emotions are for the most part negative. I have memories but they are often inaccurate and they don’t have emotions associated with them as you might expect.  This leads me to the sad explanation that what should be 30 years of experience and the associated emotions and attachments are skewed, confused, incorrect or missing and what I am left with are the last 18 years of my own manipulated selfish reality.  Because of all of this selfish behavior I have been able to avoid truthful relationships with you and others.
Our life in Hardwick after the accident was hard but Nikki felt like we were a family then.  I was dependent on Nikki.  I was often ill and constantly suffered from the seizures but we were isolated and she was happy.  I was not happy but often acted to cover my sadness and manipulate everyone.  Nikki knew that I was uncomfortable seeing people so she supported me but this cut her off from you and the other people she cared about.  I only had to deal with people from my past infrequently, so my fears and anxiety were reduced.  We had very little money but we worked hard, played games and spent most of our time outdoors and together as a family.  All that changed after the fire and subsequently my doctors finding the medication that stopped the seizures.
 Moving down to Castleton and then Poultney was a mistake.  Staying in Poultney was a selfish and tragic decision that has almost destroyed our family.  Nikki never wanted to buy the duplex in town and pleaded with me to get out after living there for a year.  I refused because I couldn’t figure a way to get us out and I didn’t know how to communicate with my Mother who was living on the other side of the house.  My misguided motivation for moving to the Poultney duplex was to provide an income source and a home for my family when I was gone.
I felt closer to my mom and sister and much more comfortable with them before we moved to Poultney.  I avoided contact even with them.   Even though we lived right next to each other, my mom and I had little contact over the years unless she was bringing me cookies, bread or a book.  I feel that I loved her because she was my mom and not because of our history together. My childhood memories are so scattered, incomplete unhappy and unreliable. .
I have been cruel to Nikki out of misguided anger and in an attempt to drive her and the boys to a point where they would be happy that I was gone.  I intentionally hurt her by not expressing any interest or caring for her.  I allowed her to deteriorate and worse I caused people to think she was crazy.  She begged me to leave Poultney and I was unwilling.
Nikki does not deserve the position she is in, the stress she has endured or the pain she has suffered.   It is a testament to her strength, love and commitment to our relationship that she didn’t leave me long ago.  Families don’t generally stay together after a spouse suffers a brain injury.  Not many people could adjust to the changes that take place.  Nikki has tried but she is suffering now with the knowledge that I have been hurting her on purpose for many years.  Nikki has always encouraged me to keep in contact with you, my mom, my sister, relatives, friends and others throughout the years.  She is the only reason I have attended functions for family and friends, sent cards, called or contacted anyone.  I did not send cards, letters, flowers or gifts to anyone in the last 18 years without Nikki either pushing me to do it or doing it for me.  I didn’t even open the last birthday card my mom sent for a week until Nikki said I was wrong for ignoring her.  My life since the accident has been a lie.  Everything I have done was to make myself look good and to seem like a great person to others.  Nikki has done everything in her power to keep people from thinking poorly of me.  Her actions and mine have skewed the way people perceive her and have caused others to think poorly of her and also of Mason.  All of these things have been at the expense of the one person I should have appreciated, cared for and protected.  It has been unfair and wrong of me to have allowed you and others to think poorly of Nikki and the boys.  These are things a loving and caring person would never do to their spouse and children.  I have behaved despicably and I am ashamed, so I apologize to them and to you and beg your understanding.
I don’t know where I can go from here but anything I do must integrally include Nikki and my boys.  My objective is to heal the wounds I have caused.  I want to be a good husband, father, and person.  I love my family dearly and am deeply sorry for what I have done.  I have a broken brain that was not my fault but I own my actions and I am responsible for the results.
I need to talk a little about my loving son Mason.  He and I have become very close since I have apologized to him.  We have talked quite a lot and I finally understand his behavior and emotions.  Even though he is 23 years old, he is a damaged and hurt child.  His father has not been there for him since he was 5 years old.  I was physically there but not emotionally.  Like Nikki I pushed him away and made him feel bad about himself.  He truly is a loving and caring person.  He has huge challenges and difficulties that I should have helped him with.  When times have been hard for Him, which has been most of his life. Most people in our lives including me thought he “chose to be bad”.  This is not the case.  He has been terribly hurt by us all and is bitter and angry.  Please love him and try to understand.
Finally, Asa is a rock on the outside but is also suffering on the inside.  He like mason feels abandoned by people that he needed.  Asa will act like nothing is wrong but he is just covering his real feelings.  Much of this is a result of my actions.  I have compromised all of our relationships.  I wish I could turn time backward and start over from the accident.  Please don’t put pressure on him about his future it just creates anxiety for him.  He, like Nikki and Mason should simply be allowed to live the rest of their lives on their own terms without deception.
I have had every opportunity to simply enjoy life and my family these last 18 years but I wasted the opportunity.  As there is nothing I can do to change my past mistakes, I simply wish to say I am now aware of my mistakes, I am truly and deeply sorry for my callous actions and I intend to do whatever I can to be better for my family and myself.
If after you have read this you want to “give me a piece of your mind” you can email me stephankuhn@ymail.com"

Thank you for your consideration and hopefully your understanding and wishfully? your forgiveness.

Steve